Narcissism as the ultimate coping mechanism

The algorithm gives us whatever we show the slightest interest for so if you, like me, have had someone send you a post about narcissism to which you have then responded, it will seem as this is the only subject out there! Posts on the topic are everywhere you look on social media.

And the news is not good. Most people are telling us that narcissists are bad people, out to get you, ready to gaslight you at every turn. They are terrible listeners, talk only about themselves, can’t focus on you when speaking to you. They are waiting to pounce on your every mistake and have no empathy, and more. So how can I even

ask if we can love a narcissist?

But just suppose that narcissism, like a lot of other -isms we humans are labelling ourselves with these days, is simply another set of coping mechanisms? What if narcissism has its beginning in deep trauma? Would we then be willing to let up on our judgement a bit and perhaps at least see these people as humans, like all the

rest of us, with a deep need of care and love, appreciation and attention, just like the rest of us?

My daughter strongly hinted that I showed traces of narcissism a year or two ago.

Needless to say, my social media has been flooded with this topic since then. I found that many of the traits that were pointed out were definitely present in my ex. It hadn’t been easy to leave the relationship due to some of those traits.

But what if we simply triggered inherited generational habits in each other? What if neither of us were more “evil” than the other? What if we were two floundering individuals, surviving, doing the very best we could to be our best selves even when the world seemed to be caving in at times? What if we were actually destined to be together as we both carried the pattern unawares and we were drawn to each other because that is what we were used to?

What you judge becomes a part of your existence, your baggage, your recurring experiences in life. It is the wallpaper, the carpeting, the furniture, the food, the taste, the water. It is the air your breathe, it is what you see and believe. It is the director of your movie with you in the lead role.

Whatever you judge sticks to you with a vengeance. It dominates your thoughts, poisons your attempts to rest, to sleep. It poisons your relationship to yourself and to all others. It’s as if you put on a pair of filthy glasses and believe that what is beyond them is just as filthy as the glass you are attempting to see through. You become compulsively critical of basically everything, big or small. The tiniest occurrence becomes the object of your criticism, of yourself as well as others.

In areas where you don’t judge like this, those glasses are off. You see things as they are, with acceptance, and while others with dirty glasses on are raging about them, you shrug your shoulders… you don’t see the problem, the reason for all the fuss. It can be as simple as this: you judge what others do to you, filthy glasses on. Then you take the glasses off when you do things to others. And that’s when gaslighting begins.

We are all human beings and most of us live in social groupings. I believe it all started way back in pre-historic times and it became the predominant pattern of our social settings, large and small. When we don’t understand life fully and are prone to patterned behaviours due to lack of knowledge, we tend to treat our children badly.

Also, with all the threats surrounding earlier human life, children had to learn very early to adapt to less than optimal fostering.

Violence towards children is still an issue in the world today despite the science that shows that it is ineffective as a fostering tool. Old habits die hard. Only a very few countries in the world have made it illegal to beat a child. Several countries have not signed the Conventions on the Rights of the Child. Many of us speak to and about our children in ways that perpetuate the narcissism that has become the hallmark of all human society. It is perpetuated constantly in our politics, our economics, our schooling. Not many manage to escape it. The few who do, tend to have lives that are quantifiably easier, with more joy, ease, appreciation and lots of love.

If we take the time to look at our family history we can see it. But is this where we place blame on our parents? Our teachers? The kids who mobbed us?

What to do? You’ve realised you are in this messy space. You have seen the reels, heard people talking about narcissists and realising that you could actually be on the receiving end of narcissism right now in your relationships. Or, worse yet, you could actually be a perpetrator yourself! Oh horror! How do you get out of it? Where’s the exit?

Being on this journey myself, I can tell you that it isn’t exactly easy. Yet I wouldn’t give this journey away for anything. It is awakening me to true appreciation, true acceptance, true love of myself and others in ways I’d never imagined possible, so bear with me.

A quick note before I go any further: Yes, there are some people who can inflict pain on others who happen to be narcissists, but they could just as well have had some other -ism or letter combination. There will always be the really “evil” ones that we should avoid at all costs if we want to live happy, meaningful lives.

What if the exit is in the issue of judgement? Just suppose that it is so. What could you do then? And now I’m talking to you, the narcissist waking to the realisation of it.

Or just about anybody actually, as I believe the tendency to judgement is rampant everywhere.

I’d like to invite you to try something, an experiment on yourself.

Right now, as you read this, pick one little thing that you usually judge and just drop it. Drop the judgement. Drop the belief that that thing is wrong, incorrect, inappropriate, inadvisable. Just that one little thing. Just let it go for a few moments.

You can always go back to it if you like, but for this little moment, just drop it.

Now how does that feel? Did you notice relief? I certainly did when I tried it!

So let’s move on to something bigger. It can be anything, just take the first thing that comes to mind. I’m sure you, like me, have a well-filled store of judgements. Just grab one and drop it.

Feels good, doesn’t it?

This holding on to grudges, most of them not even ours to start with, is what is turning our hair grey, making us sick, changing the shape of our bodies, making us grumpy, unkind and even unwelcome, when we want to be loving, generous and kind. Our perceptions become tainted as do the perceptions of us. We want people to

see the love we carry, and instead they see the judgement we wave on a big flag stuck to our backs where we can’t see it. But they can.

Now that I have dropped that larger part of the grudges I used to hold, life has become easier. Joy is more accessible. I accept myself more readily, happily. The love in me is way more available now that it isn’t bogged down with negativity and fear.

To answer my own question, I believe that we can love narcissists – ourselves and others. That we can see their struggles to cope with old trauma and offer them peace and kindness (again, hardened criminals/breakers of our trust etc need their own track to redemption – don’t take on more than you can handle!) If their eyes start to

wander while talking with you, kindly call on their attention. If they haven’t asked a question, just talked about themselves, tell them kindly and lightly that it’s their turn now. Give them a chance.

If you find this all too challenging to look at on your own, consider working with me.

Letting go is such a wonderful thing and I am ready to assist you on that path to the new, loving, kind, approachable, more than welcome, wonderful you.